Thursday, December 15, 2011
Somehow I am relating myself to him, it's weird that I have never set my eyes on him when we have the very charming Johnny Depp and the very good-looking Orlando Bloom. *drools*
The HSC results and ATAR aren't favourable. It hit me with complete shock and disappointment at the moment of truth when the website loaded on 3.30am yesterday and 7.45am today.
I looked up to the awesome KL view from my balcony, somehow it doesn't look fascinating tonight. Trying to find the moon where it's eclipse news dominated facebook newsfeed last week, I can't find it. Funny, I looked up to the sky and wondered, what are tou trying to tell me.
Looking at my comrade, smiling with pride and occupied with honours, deep inside ny heart, there were boomerang of yells 'that should be me'. I want to numb myself with my office work and the adrenaline of exercise, feed myself cheese, chocolate, green tea to cheer myself up. Time might be the best remedy.
Trying to send some grateful emails, tears kept flowing, the mixture of tears with eyeliner and mascara dropped, till I watched Bones. Perhaps God is trying to fool me again, it was a episode where a murdered surgeon paralyses Brennan's life, it's dubbed as the episode that makes people cry. Brennan saw herself in the victim, stressed, lonely and detached. Her world turned upside down in 3 days.
My world turned upside down in 3 days, it will turn back right up in 3 days. No? When God closes a door, He opens another door. What if, I only wanted the first door, it's always the first door.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
3 papers next week, 3 of my favourites, 3 of my best. Ironically, I am flushed by spasm of horror, worrying that I would not perform well. I am afraid being hit cold by failure and thud of disappointment.
I am very grateful for the support and love given by friends and family, yes I do feel the rush of love. I look up to inspiring figures for motivation. When I look into the mirror, I am one step closer to the finishing line but walking backwards due to hesitation, arrogance, distress and fatigue. Is it worth it?
You and I both know the answer.
In the midst of a serious revival, I ought to toughen up, stop myself from drowning in misery and focus on what I can change.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Seriously, how many ends will we have? There is only one which is death. But through the journeys and chapters of life, there are countless beginnings where it starts from countless ends. For example, when my mother gave birth to me, it's the end of a 9 month pregnancy with the beginning of a new-born's exploration of life. When I fell while learn to walk, it's the end of babyhood with the beginning of childhood where things are magical. When I finished from UPSR to PMR, from PMR to SPM, it's the end of an exam which I would thought it's the hardest at that stage with the beginning of a harder one. Funny yet ironic. When you first get a boyfriend, it's the end of singlehood with a beginning to a relationship with someone, a special someone whom you would wanna share your life with. When you have broken up with the first boyfriend, it's the end of a relationship with a beginning of another relationship with a better approach and a tougher heart to love.
And now, with the example which is relative to me. When I am going to have my finals in Tuesday, finishing in 3 weeks time, it's the end of a winding journey with the beginning of the path to undergraduate studies, to a hopeful happening journey outside home. The manual countdown on my room indicates there's only one day left :S
You might wanna ask, are you prepared? I wouldn't say yes yet I wouldn't deny. Perhaps it have been a year long difficult journey, my confidence level is gradually decreasing, with a negative thought that 'no matter what I do, it's just not enough!' I have not worked hard to the utmost, I have not been studying day and night (but I do have my afternoon nap with books sharing half of my bed, it's just some peculiar habits I have, and yes, you may laugh), I have not been disciplined and motivated. I am afraid it might cost me my dream, a dream that I dreamt since I was Form 5.
I do believe God is fair. He will give you the returns you deserved. I know my degree of effort isn't worth my desired ATAR, but I do pray hard that He will bless me for the next 3 weeks. I thank God for showing me the motivations and blessings I need. Cristiano Ronaldo whom I idolised for years, yes I would try my best from now, eventhough it's just 3 weeks, to show my dream. Oprah Winfrey whom is so inspirational and powerful, where her show gave me strength to achieve, the heart for love and the will to continue. Mr B.L. whom is the true idol whom I met last Saturday (so starstrucked!) whom wished me with his words and a pat on the waist. My gym instructor who reminded me to 'chill, mate'. Family and friends whom show support, advices and love whom I am so grateful to have them.
Complaning about the lack of effort is no help to the battle, I pray for the best and I hope God will show me the path and the right way. Thank you, and thank you for all. Good luck to all of my comrades, may the best is with you.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
I am not good in expressing love. But when I say 'I love you', it is a huge step and it really means 'I love you'. Dealing with your departure to the States, I am really happy that your dream comes true but it wasn't an easy feeling. There's less outings for me on Fridays or Saturdays, which will make my mother slightly happy. Although there's less communication, but we both know, the friendship is still going strong, because I love you ;)
Sorry I couldn't make something special for your birthday. But you do know, you hold a very special position in my heart <3
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
I came across to the death if Apple founder, Steve Jobs just 10 minutes ago, he was only 56, died of battle to cancer.
It was very shocking, that the man who transformed the world tremendously, changed the way communication had previously worked and left so much technological impact to this modernised world.
56, not even the age of retirement. He set up the company in 1976, holding on to the principles of innovation and leadership, he was a success, a legend, a genius. But did all of these glories pay off? Did all of his effort allow him to get what he deserve?
I am not a technology savvy, nor am a person who know much about technology and business. But I do know the revolution of the iPad, iPhone, iMac, Macbook and iPod have changed this very generation. We no longer clutching thick books or laptops, all we do is surfing the net or reading through iPad. We no longer talk or communicate often, all we do is Facebook and Twitter or gaming with iPhones. We no longer hear the sound from the world, all we do is stuff our both ears with Beats headphones and listening to the mega playlist on iPods. Kids no longer holding soft toys and Grid Blyton story books because they have much better entertainment applications from iPad and iPhone.
I am very amazed and shocked by these changes and scenes I saw. Even so, a business opportunity came to me two days ago. Once again, I found myself in a dilemma and a sea of thoughts whether technology should be part of education. The answer is 'yes' but the old-thinking me kept denying the fact. Steve Jobs said: Innovation is what differentiate a leader and a follower. World-class leadership mentor, Robin Sharma said: Everyone is a leader and we need no title to lead. Now you see the contradiction.
I am encouraged to be part of the business, to earn what you call, easy money. Being raised in a middle-income family where I don't enjoy easy money and fast success, I am not much a risk taker, that explains why I am reluctant in approaching easy opportunity. Being a typical Chinese Malaysian, I am driven by competition, eager to success, strings of A's in certificates. Probably this is because I don't believe in risks, miracles, opportunities, I am definitely not a businesswoman material.
But what I am clutching on, is still a dream, a valid dream. I may not be a founder of a business company, knowing that I wouldn't have the guts to take risks and leadership to lead. I may not be the richest person or the rich lady with bungalows and sports car, knowing that rich isn't a good pathway after being in a rich culture for 2 years. But what I can be is a person who pursue my achievable dreams, learn from each success and failure, being inspired by each happenings, and discovered more about this world.
People are driven by unlimited wants, there is no end to what you can get in this world. You may call me stupid, but I thank God for allowing me to see through the evilness of greed and the power of satisfaction at this age. Steve Jobs might have had the time of his life through the success of Apple, what's the point of having a legacy if you can't enjoy it. I may miss out to an opportunity to investment and fortune, but I certainly wouldn't want my life to be just surrounded by money, money and money.
RIP Steve Jobs, your innovation had certainly paid off, the world can't thank you much for these lovely gadgets, it's a technological era which you have contributed your life, time and effort. Thank you.
Blogged from his inventions,
Wenx with iPad2 :)
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
One and a half month ago, I had to handle the departure of one of my best pal, trials exams and piano Grade 8 exams. Last week, the end of college with collegemates. Today, an unexpected farewell from a not to say close friend but a significant one.
There are loads more I want to say, tonnes more I want to cry out. But time is not allowing me to do so. This break, a study break, probably is what I need to rejuvenate and recover.
Peeps, it is not my intention to write emotional posts but the more I watch 'Eat Pray Love' the movie, the more I can relate myself to the main character. Except I cannot just leave everything and travel to places.
Dear readers, I am okay. Probably books can be my best anaesthetic and time can be my best remedy. I am on a Facebook fast on weekdays and trying to shun myself from any possible communication.
If you have anything, you may email or text me.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
To be honest, I looked forward to the last day. Yes, it is indeed an upsetting news that there are friends you wouldn't hang out with. But, what matters more to me, is crossing the finishing line after almost two years of hard work, ending a road where it is winding all the way, and starting a new journey.
Perhaps it is really wrong in the very beginning, I have expected so much. I remembered spending time daydreaming life in a new school, embarking on a perfect college life, being friends with people all around the world, things not surrounding gossips and dramas. However, it all turns out the opposite. I blamed no one but be grateful to God, after all, this is a worthy scholarship, what else should I complain?
Two years, I have made some valuable friendships, I see different people from different parts of the world. I have to say the students' superior social status and financial background (yes, it's peer pressure) have made my life a bit harder. Not that I am jealous (oh well, a bit), but I was educated in a way that I learned to see faces and psychological aspect of different people. Perhaps I inherited my mom's genes, we read faces through gestures and mindsets. Not that I read minds and moods like the Twilight heartthrob does, but more to reading one's personality.
Probably in these two terms, I saw so many new things, you may call me observant =) From immaturity, poor leadership, backstabbing, alienation, emotional, racist, double-face agent, spoiled brat, to maturity, multi-talent, good follower, independent, decisive. The list goes on, I would say the bad exceeds the good. Don't get me wrong, I am not critising people, making me God-like, I am many of the bad qualities too. But sometimes it disappoints and annoys me much to see, yet I wouldn't make a voice to it.
Today, pretty much an emotional day. I wasn't, till I reached school and things triggered my bewildered mind. I saw more and more stuff today, not sure if it's stuff I want to see. I found out something as well, which upset me at first, but I felt relieved after being blindfolded for months. Yes, it's definitely feeling relieved and good. Come to think of it, I am stupid and narcissus to even think of that way.
Nevertheless, a cute lil 6 year old Spanish boy tried to console me in the bus, having a lovely chat about issues in the bus and a blossom red rose given by a birthday girl and a short nap, managed to put a smile on my face. Yes I am not doing any revisions for now, and probably not tomorrow, and on the mock up day. But I am feeling good and positive this way.
Thanks for reading till this far, it's quite a long and whiny one.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
Half an hour later, the jolt of awareness came to your mind. Oh sh*t, only to think that 'oh I should have listened to my thoughts'. It feels like my mind is teasing me 'I told you so'.
I feel lost, in myself, there's an alien in me. Who are you, who am I, blood is all I see. The alien voice in my head is talking to me all the time. I tried hard to reject, tried hard to fight, but....
I tried to be someone else, but nothing seemed to change. I know now, this is who I really am inside, finally find myself, fighting for a chance I know now, this is who I really am.
Mistakes have been done. It's the past. Redemption is to be done. It's the key to future. Sorry is invalid. Making a change is appropriate.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
God has been kind to me for the week, but He never makes things easy. This is gonna pull me down, but on the verge of tears when you said (spat is a more accurate word) those cold words, I held my head up high and held your gaze firmly. I'm sorry, I said.
I am not sorry for doing it, but I am sorry that it had to happen and you were upset. 'Don't make this mistake again.' It was never a mistake, it was just when discussion turned ugly, mistake became misunderstanding, a stupid one.
It was ridicule that it wasn't your piercing words that made me cry, but a letter from my friend did. It made me felt honoured to have been a good friend. But with this happened, it upset me, for not being a good person.
I have no regrets at all, but I was never trained to be one with high self esteem. What you see from the outside, 'superwoman' my cute friends said to me, is just an acting that I was trained for long. Inside, I am vulnerable and fragile, but I will never let the weaker side of mine out, never.
Things will not be the same after today. I might not smile at you whenever you pass by. I can't just pretend things never happen, not only we had upset you, you had broken my self esteem when I needed it the most.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
When relationships are cold, I would try to please and keep quiet, fight no more and care less.
When 12 units of 6 subjects are difficult to cope, I would remind myself, there are people doing 14-16 units of 7-8 subjects.
When there are complaints, I would try hard, to keep to myself.
When the arm muscles are hurting from practising scales, I would remind myself, I am done for good after tomorrow.
When love and support are gone, I would know, at least I am there for myself.
When the heart is not pumping, I would know, I have tried the best I could.
But, what if, I am so sick and tired of giving these excuses?
Yes, when you are so sick and tired, you would keep telling yourself, there are more people outside are suffering more than you.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
It would be really difficult to handle the departure of a really close friend of mine, the upcoming Grade 8 exams and HSC trials exam. It's a challenge that I must undergo, and a mission that God leaves me, and please allow me to gain inspirations from it. Fingers crossed, I thank you'all for your support.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Recalled how I start to like Harry Potter, it didn't start when I got my first Harry Potter book as a birthday gift from my parents. Well, they got me the Chamber of Secrets (second book), I have absolutely no knowledge about this famous wizard with a lightning bolt scar. As a ten year old kid, I was never drawn to words, not realising the power of words, how it heals and hurts, creates and destroys, charms and upsets.
Then the craze started when the Prisoner of Azkaban (third movie) came out. I started to fall in love, and then there it comes, in about three or four years, seven books I have collected and read. The Deathly Hallows (last movie) marks the first time of me dropping tears in the cinema. It was just emotionally-challenged, I knew what would happen, reading the book before watching the movie. I knew Snape will be dead, no doubt Alan Rickman (portrait by the peculiar yet ever-cool Alan Rickman) and director David Yates successfully captured the emotional moment that created the most touching scene I have ever seen after Titanic's Rose and Jack's romance. It was sad and difficult to see the saga coming to an end, realising there's no more to expect.
The last and arguably the best among all signifies the end of a decade, but it never dies in a fan's heart. Of 10 years of spells and charms, it does more than a childhood accompaniment. It transforms my childhood into a mix of magic and fantasy, helps me realising value and love. I don't care how technology savvy can a future child be in the future, with iPad and iPhone replacing Tom & Jerry and Barbie, I will introduce Harry Potter to their lives.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
What to do wit' it, 'cause it might just
Come back on you ten-fold'
Friday, May 27, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Friday has always been really interesting and captivating, yes it’s the last day of working or studying, a significant day as you make it through the week, heading to a much relaxing weekend so you can catch your breath and slow down for a while. And yet, recently, we are lucky enough to have a song to sing about Friday, to embrace the greatness of this wonderful day which brings us joy, even some of us, parties till late morning. Thanks to latest (oh well I think I am one month late to post this up) Youtube sensation, Rebecca Black.
What can I say about her? I shall start with the day I ‘discovered’ her. I overheard in my common room, the gang of friends were watching the infamous video, ‘Friday~ Friday~’, I watched for 10 seconds, a Demi Lovato look-alike with weird mouth was the lead singer. And funnily, I blindly asked, ‘Is she the female version of Justin Bieber?’
Dang, I was so right, for these three weeks, on every Friday night, my Facebook news feed will be flooded with ‘Friday~ Friday~ Partying~ Partying~’ statuses and ‘Rebecca Black – Friday (Official Music Video)’. To be honest, I’ve never clicked to watch that video, I am not interested and not wanting as I don’t think there is a need. I’ve read harsh comments about her and it did spark me up a bit to wanting to watch her video. But oh well, no thank you. I don’t need to see a 14-year-old kid as a laughing material.
Yes, the fact that she is 14 years old is scary. The society has becoming a criticizing one (or maybe all the while it has been like this) where people enjoy laughing at people’s act. Who care if she can’t sing, apparently according to my Facebook news feed 2 weeks ago, 30 million people did. Perhaps by now, the music video might gather 40 or even 50 million views.
The truth is, we are all flawed individuals with imperfections. Black may have been accused for sound pollution or for being horrendous disaster for the pop music industry. But the phenomenon of Black reflects the ugly side of human beings, for being disrespectful, for being foulmouthed, and cold-hearted. Information sharing is indeed vital in this digital era, and those videos are perfect as the topic of communication. But I doubt the meaning of this kind of communication, for the sake of keeping in touch, or the sake of catching up a hot trend, or just for the sake of laughing at other people.
Just like Bieber (I’ve posted something similarly to this about Bieber: http://wikolia-wens.blogspot.com/2010/05/bieber-fever.html ), I am defending Black because she is just another victim who has been globalised to be a public social enemy. And this leads to my italic question above, yes she is the female version of Bieber, not the fact of singing talent, but the fact of them being such a worldwide sensation.
This post is not intended to anyone, but I just hope this will give you a good think, is it appropriate or necessary to criticize her that way? Maybe my answer would be different if I’ve watched the full length video. But really, I have better things to do. If there aren’t so many outspoken people, this world would have been a better place.
Back to the picture, ‘where’s Friday’. It’s in 2 days time and it’s going to mark the closing end of my 2 weeks break. Oh well, 1 week holidays to be precise. Though this week has not been a productive study week but I do realize this break has allowed me to rest and to set up routines that I have to practice. With about 6 more months to finish the pre-university course, I have a lot more to fix and a lot more routines to adapt. With hope, I know I can.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
I looked at my phone screen, it stated 2.14am, I forced myself back to sleep but my mind can’t stop thinking of home. Looked to the right through the window grill, why am I here? Why did I choose to be trapped in this place? I’ve become a stranger in a strange land, living with a bunch of unknowns for 5 days 4 nights. I starred at my reflection on a broken mirror, wondering ‘who am I’ and ‘what I am fighting for’. I’ve asked these 2 questions a lot of times recently. There isn’t an answer, yet. From this trip which is like a liberating vacation from the dreadful half yearly exams, what I’ve learned is more to a reinvention of a lost person who has been going at the wrong direction for a long time.
‘Akak, when going back?’
‘I’ve school on Friday. You want me to stay?’
‘Yes, stay till Friday.’
Rebecca’s soft voice asked me several times every day, I’ve lost count of how many times. I can’t help myself to look into Sarah’s eyes, her huge eyes with super-curled lashes starred into my inner soul and it gave me a reason to smile.
‘Kak, why are you crying?’
I can’t help myself to break down on the second day, after knowing some of the kids’ backgrounds. I wondered, why are there parents like that, why make the kids suffer, why are they so irresponsible, why is God so cruel to them, why the kids become that violent and mad, why, why, and WHY?! Perhaps I was outta my mind because of PMS, the mild recovery for the exam which has drained out the energy and confidence in me, the killing loneliness, the unexpected call, the terrible homesick… Thank God there are family and friends who helped me through the second day and the kids who put back a smile on my face.
I accompanied Patricia to Brickfields to send Rebecca to kindergarten. Rebecca was smiling all the way, standing wobbly in the bus, holding Patricia’s hand while crossing the road, waiting for Patricia’s nod to walk into the kindergarten and running frantically to the door. Bringing books from the cupboard upstairs to the newly-sponsored bookshelves from the Kiwanis Club of Kuala Lumpur was a good workout. The kids were appreciative for accessing the resources during their free time. They are a bunch of intelligent and hardworking kids who just require a bit of pushing in life and guidance.
‘Do you hate your dad?’
Elizabeth answered affirmatively and instantaneously. She shared me her personal stories and ambition. She cried at night when thinking about her grandfather who is critically sick. I got the chance to celebrate her brother’s birthday on 11th April, they had KFC and a birthday cake, sponsored by a restaurant owner. They were laughing, talking in Tamil where I couldn’t obviously understand at all, they are in a big family, they are happy outside, but deep inside, are they?
How lucky we are to have a family to expect your arrival each day? How fortunate we are to have a home to go back, a nice bed to sleep on? How good our life is, if to compare with those kids? Why are we complaining each day? Based on my observations in life, some people are loaded with fortune, and they can waste their money on unnecessary stuff where those kids floundered helplessly on transport money and pocket money; they can waste their precious time on useless and meaningless things. There is a strong urge inside of me to give them one tight slap and a long philosophical speech. But come to think of it, why should I be bothered? Why wasting my time where I can focus on more deserving unfortunate lives?
‘Kak, write down the formula, I learn after I buy one’
I was holding my old Rubik’s Cube, which has become Luke’s cube. Disappointment is displayed on his face when his first cube is broken. He tore out the old Rubik’s Cube’ stickers and pasted on the Sudoku Cube with glue. He seemed so interested and determined to master the Rubik’s Cube since last evening. That’s something I used to have, I wondered why have I lost it.
‘Kak eaten already?’
It’s funny that I was there to serve my residential project, they are the ones who are serving me, taking good care of me and inspiring me. During my stay, I’ve seen rodents and more big fat disgusting lizards. But what scares me more are the fear of being scolded and beaten up, the need to use violence to protect themselves, the fact that they are fighting for a life, the hardship they have to suffer due to their backgrounds, the pain and sadness that they have endured for losing part of their life, the insecurity, the hardcore discipline…
I was eagerly anticipating the clock to strike 11am on the last day, bidding farewell to the adults, Patricia and Sarah. The other kids were in school, I didn’t have the chance to say a proper goodbye. But I know deeply in my heart, it ain’t goodbye, I will be back, when I have the chance. Sarah came out from the home and waved to me, the three-second exchange seemed insignificant, but I do know, I have made some changes in them and they have made even greater changes in me. God bless all of them.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
New judges comprise of the talented Jennifer Lopez and rockstar legend Steven Tyler from Aerosmith, teamed up with Randy Jackson. They are the reason why we should continuing watching Idol. After 8 seasons of Cowell-Abdul-Jackson, 1 season with new Degenerous-Dioguardi, we certainly need a change to this 10 years old show. What do we expect from the outrageous vocalist Tyler and the multi-talented hot mom Lopez? It's something we need to watch.