Sunday, December 8, 2013

Start of Summer

I met an acquaintance today, he asked me if I regretted going to Australia. I frowned, going to Australia is probably the best thing that has ever happened to me to date. However, I am afraid I have regretted coming back for summer break.

It has been 2 weeks since I came back, it started off rough and dull, but is going on a really good pace. I got what I have wished for. An internship, a healthy family, a group of lovely friends, a commitment with my volunteer work, weekly gym, a couple of projects in hand and a satisfied semester result.

I never gotten homesick during the four months, but I do think about the people occasionally. I love seeing the faces I used to hang out with. But at the same time, they remind me of the things that I am unhappy before. 

I realised my love for city life has faded during my Sydney trip. I dislike the traffic and the crowd last time but I didn't mind, I thought that was normal. Until I see Canberra, I see life. I was a little shocked to realise, when I was Canberra, I lose the grip on reality. Canberra is a beautiful paradise, and I guess I have really fallen in love deeply with Canberra. Coming back to Kuala Lumpur, I get back in touch with reality. And reality is harsh.

I landed myself an internship that I have always wanted, it reminded me of the competition and corporate rules to live with. I returned to the gym workout I loved, only to find out all the familiar faces are gone. I went back to my volunteer work, and it reminded me of the discipline and conformity despite the rewarding returns and sense of pride. I was at home, and it reminded me of the hardship of kinship.

I wonder, what is wrong with me.


Wen Xin

Thursday, November 28, 2013

The Little Things that are Different from Before

Some little things I noticed upon returning to Homeland after 4 months:

1. I couldn't recognise my mother and my brothers. They have grown, yes mother included.

2. The kitchen and toilet sinks are placed so low that I need to bend down when washing the dishes and cleaning up myself. I have never realised that before.

3. The switch of the lights are no longer at the chest level, which I automatically went for it on my first few days. It's at the head level, where a primary school kid will need to jump to on the lights, which I did.

4. My love for city in general, has become lesser. And I have always thought I couldn't survive if I don't live in a city. I realised this when I was in Sydney, I can no longer tolerate with the crowd, the traffic, the noise, and how the city becomes frantic during a downpour.

5. It was nice seeing some of the familiar faces, catching up with people I used to spend time with. Some I have missed quite a big part of, some seems indifferent since I left, some acquaintances whom I never thought of associate with ending up with a casual conversation, some are so indulged in talking about themselves.

6. I need to shake more hands.

7. I am feeling tired and lazy all the time. And it bothers me.

8. The thought of having a family around, takes away the independence in me. There isn't a need to cook, to do the laundry, to clean the house, to drink more water, to eat fruits, etc. Still a mommy's girl I supposed.

9. Things are pretty much the same as I left, it felt like I didn't leave, or it was just a short 4 months holidays.

10. I miss Canberra, a whole lot.


Wen Xin

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Shaken, Not Stirred

Being able to relive a dream after it was crushed a year ago, I am still in state of unbelieving that I made it to an overseas dream. One of the significant realisation was, a growing patriotism burns in me. I realise I love my country more than ever, even though I am not politically aware or socially active.

Despite all the complaints we have for our country, one can't question the love for the country for which it is Home. The nation is probably shaken, by the recent ruling of He who must not be named. I am not shocked, for I have expected the outcome. Truthfully, the outcome is saddening.

Me, myself is a free thinker. I wouldn't classify myself an atheist, as I do believe in God exists in general, but not in specific form. I pray to God occasionally and ask for His blessing. When my wish is granted, I thank Him before I retire for the night.

Being in the multi racial community, we are particularly exposed to a few Gods. I have the utmost respect to each religion and God as it spreads good values and enhances the beliefs of humanity, despite with all the negativities going on. I have always been interested listening to my friends sharing their religion stories, for I have zero knowledge and exposure on. But the decision has sadden me because it has shun me away from understanding the religion, and further dividing me from the community.

The outcome has made it exclusive, and made me felt as if I am inferior for not belonging to that category. 5 years in my secondary school, I listened to the daily prayer. I could recite the whole prayer back then, I could still remember phrases of it. Whenever there is a formal event with prayer, I look down and have my hands held together as a form of respect. I was particularly reluctant to hold my hands up during a ceremony with comrades because I don't truly relate to the act at that point. But I learned, it was nothing insulting, it is a form of honour as a nation's practice.

It is a shame if the outcome is made for other intentions. It is also an insult to the religion, country and countryman if the decision is made not for the nation's best. This reminded me of my fate last week. I was rejected by fellow countrymen despite expressing my best interest and best ability to serve. We can all go hoo-hah for democracy, but can we trust the majority to go for how things should be done, rather than how things are asked to be done? 

It is a shame if the outcome has been manipulated. It is also an insult to me and the constitution if the decision is made not for the organization's best. I don't question the outcome but I am evaluating my beliefs. Some spend a lifetime defending their values and beliefs, some fight for it relentlessly deserves a salutation, some remains in doubts, like me. I believe in my beliefs, but happenings have shown me it might be a lost cause.

Do we just give in and say 'this is dirty ol' politics? Can we continue our beliefs but fight no more for it? 

'I believe in nothing, not in peace and not in war.
I believe in nothing, but the truth in who we are.'

100 Suns - 30 Seconds to Mars

The belief might have been shaken, but definitely, not stirred,
Wen Xin

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Requiem for a Dream

My last post was on May 6th during the politics fever in Malaysia. 5 months has passed me by and I said hello to a new phase. I shall leave the drastic change for the end of year review. Now, I will focus on talking about a movie I recently watched: Requiem for a Dream. 


Isn't Jared Leto's eyes mesmerising? I am recently obsessed with him and his band I once loved. Therefore I stumbled across this movie. Interesting enough, it is dubbed as one of the most disturbing of all time. Well, this movie is no horror movie at all, but rather how drugs can impact one's life to an extent. 

This movie got me into thinking of what I want and to what extent I will do to pursue those ideas. There are a list of things that I want to do, and I do wonder what will I sacrifice and what I will do to pursue them. The imagery used and the apocalyptic theme song in the movie was revolving in my head for a couple of days.

Definitely a movie I will watch again.



Love,
Wenz

Monday, May 6, 2013

The Aftermath of a Political Tsunami

Malaysians have certainly knew better of what has happened. I am a sceptic when it comes to theories and assumptions because there is often no primary source to refer to and a good-enough expertise to provide information. But I do stand in the boat of the obvious, things have certainly gone wrong and it hails as a disappointment to most people.

Facebook profile pictures have gone black. The bandwagon is a spread of the people's disappointment and anger towards the 'magic trick'. At one moment, when victory is almost certain but to be halted by dramatic occurrences which will most likely not to be reactified. Frustrations and rants were taken to the social media sites, which are totally understandable. Emotions are deeply affected and I was driving with a pretty foul mood.

The loss of 5th of May is not in vain. People are now awake, not all but most. More issues are being the talks in town, not all good but better than to be concealed. More youth voices are triggered, not well-presented but encouraging. Politicians comments are on the air, saddening to read some but certainly one of the best indicator to see the true colours of theirs.

5th of May is a mark on Malaysia's history and an event not to be forgotten in most Malaysian's mind. Though I couldn't contribute on this 13th general election, but I am inspired. I believe 'inspired' can be replaced by 'angry', 'betrayed', 'saddened', '*fill-in-the-blank*'.

I am not sure how far will I go in this venture, but I vow to do my part with my utmost effort in the future undertakings in deciding Malaysia's future, fate and destiny. I believe education is the key, that is what I can do at most least in these 5 years, to educate myself with political affairs, to brush up the analytical and critical skills, to equip myself with skills that could make a difference in any way, and not to be afraid to see this ugly world with my eyes.

I am a firm believer in karma. Though I have not in the position to judge or say who, what, where, when and how has gone wrong, but I believe karma will strike those who manipulate their ways all the while. God bless Malaysia, God bless humanity, God bless the world.


Peace,
Wen Xin



Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Gotten into me


I guess the stress has gotten into me,
For once I am down because of persistence,
How stupid I am putting myself in such degree,
And choose to endure a test I don't have to.

I guess the pain has gotten into me,
For once I couldn't maintain my record,
How funny I am protecting my ego,
And choose to forgo a life by hurting myself.

I guess the life has gotten into me,
For once I feel things are way too difficult,
How strange I couldn't let things go,
And choose to pretend a person I barely know.

I guess you have gotten into me,
For once I wish I can fall into your arms,
How crazy I am talking to you everyday,
And choose to believe that we will work out.


PS: Facebook fasting, available on Whatsapp and email.

To those who care, it's just a downhill and things will heal.


Wen Xin

Sunday, April 28, 2013

When they say POLITICS, I say THIS

During family gathering when I was young, my dad and my relatives always talk about politics. They talked with such uproar tone that I overheard it, even I was with a pool of little cousins. I was absolutely clueless and I commented 'I hate politics'. I remembered during Bersih 2.0 because it was a day after my birthday. It fell on a Saturday and I had to miss the gym session. I murmured 'I hate the politician'. Mom told me that he was probably the victim. I didn't understand, I still don't.

I am short of a year to vote. If the general election wasn't brought forward in 2008, I would have been eligible to vote next year. Now, my next vote will be on the year I turn 26. Somehow, even though the political fever is pitch-high with wars of backlash, videos of parody, surge of violence, flags of promotions, etc. I choose to stay politically neutral. One may laugh, or criticise this little girl's immaturity to not choose a political side to stand.

However it is not easy to be neutral. Politics has become the 'IT' topic for these two months. There are conversations in college, on the public bus and LRT, mamak stall, in the car, by the gym bench, over the phone... We also have the media war where it is between the traditional media of newspaper and the modern media of social network. We all know the obvious where traditional media is (highly) selective in providing information and holds a hostile view against one party. On the other hand, the flow of information from the social network is clearly dominated by a group of people with burning fire in their heart, aching to break free from domination.

Statistics and Sociology teach us to be bias-free, and to analyse things with standardisation, reliability, validity and transparency. In which, in my humble point of view, our country lacks all of them with these medias. Flows of information are available at their fingertips with a single swipe. We are conformed by societal norms and values, where we lost our right to free will. Worst still, we are now constrained by social media, where we lost our right to know. Yes, we do have the freedom of speech but to a certain extent. We are far from being a democratic country. We are not allowed to publicly criticised a certain party, where it will turn to a whisper when a party is mentioned in conversation.

During my SPM days with Pendidikan Moral, I remembered clearly the moral value 6.2 is Kebebasan Bersuara. Well, I have a memory thing for, dates, orders and sequences. With strict marking scheme, Moral candidates have to write this definition down, word by word, punctuation by punctuation. 'Kebebasan berucap dan mengeluarkan fikiran dengan batasan tertentu bagi menjaga keselamatan dan ketenteraman' which is translated to the freedom to speak and express ideas to a certain extent to ensure safety and peace. I allow you to judge the validity of Kebebasan Bersuara - the Freedom of Speech.

I recalled one of my life-changing event in February this year. I was watching BBC Live on the plasma TV. It was a US television show where audiences were giving President Obama ratings of his presidential effort. 3 people gave him a F. We wouldn't be able to see this in Malaysia, we wouldn't be able to see much debate between politicians, interactions between parties, let it be a commentary session on leaders by the people.

Campaign advertisements are being carried out in a deceiving way, it makes me wonder if is that kind of social values are what the particular political party trying to promote? Is sabotage or invalid assumption what we should be instilling in the Malaysian culture? During my another life-changing event in March, with a panel of distinguish academics, I was asked about what is the Malaysian culture to be brought forward to the world. I answered our mutual progress as a multi-racial community. But it seems like I would have to change to 'backstabbing with unjustified judgement'.

One of the honourable panel tackled me with questions on politics in Singapore. I didn't have command in Malaysian politics, don't even mention Singapore or international politics. But I read about them somehow, somewhere sometime. I remembered I was commenting on the control of social media by the federal government and the lack of acknowledgement between parties.

Surely one party isn't always right, but does it mean one party is always wrong? We are asked to 'remember the good deeds that have been done'. The 'deeds' were mentioned but not justified. I do believe each state government has certainly done some things right (okay at least one thing right), but I hardly read about acknowledgement of achievements and compliments of effort. Even in gym if a participant doesn't manage to complete the full workout, we pat on his/her shoulder or high five each other as an encouragement. Is this culture of attacking with no remorse or no mercy another culture to be incorporated in us?

One party is criticised for not following one of their promised manifesto, but the particular party has certainly fulfilled other parts of the manifesto which needed to be praised. The other party is criticised for producing budget deficit and deteriorating other races, but surely there is somewhere the party did right, and it should be acknowledged by all with a non-biased view when we analyse progress. Perhaps it is true that people will only remember that one mistake rather than thousand good deeds that have been done. With a silly mistake, one could get sacked from the company after 10 solid years of contribution, not even a warning letter but a 'thou-shalt-not-return' notice in 24 hours, based on a real life story.

I would love to say, somehow this crucial general election has brought some festive atmosphere to the country, which are now wildly decorated in blue and green. It is good (yet sad in some cases) to see people are becoming more politically awared, even youth in their teens. It is also admirable that some creative minds and talents behind their supporting party have come out with promotional videos using the trend of Gwiyomi and cute animation with narrations. These are carried out in a rather amusing and non-violent way, if compared to those campaign advertisements and violent cases during talks.

Perhaps they have not considered 'too much of a good thing is a bad thing' from the Karate Kid, the one which is applicable here is 'too much of one thing can be a bad thing'. Perhaps one party should not be overdoing physical and shallow things, but just be sincere and humble in carrying missions. Sometimes, annoyance is caused when one overdoes things to show desperation and patheticity. And this annoyance can cause hatred in a neutral person or even a supporter.

Education has become so affordable and widely spreaded these days. Due to globalisation and the growth of merit-based capitalist market, tertiary studies have become a must. People are becoming more educated and knowledgable than before. The people can't be fooled anymore. The people are certainly in the position to choose, to judge, to not afraid to act, to obtain information from various sources, to adapt for change.

As a newbie in the political arena, I am not in the position to comment on who is right or who is wrong, who should win or who should lose, what has been done or what should be done. But at most least, I am observing this crucial general election, and will hopefully starting to be an avid follower in my home country politics, and cast a pure vote by myself in 5 years time. I wish my political standpoint is shaped by my own readings or findings, but not through influence of the public.

I search for source of inspirations since young. I see politicians in a way of seeing a role model. What they do reflects their values and cultures. I will choose based on the socio-economic culture that a party is trying to promote as long as it goes along the line of my held principles and not violating my definition of humanity. I would love to see the leaders of Malaysia one day and say 'he or she is my role model, he or she has class, he or she has influenced me, he or she has changed Malaysia to be better nation'.

I look at Michelle Obama, she is one classy woman. I look at Aung San Sung Kyi, she is such a strong political voice. I look at Jose Mujica, and unbelieving that he is one humble and true leader. I look at Evo Morales, and he is a man to look up to. I look at the Soong sisters, and they are legends. I wish I can look up to the Prime Minister and the First Lady of Malaysia, and say they are my trailblazers, where it was defined by Emma Stone as 'one who blazes a trail to be followed by others'.

Though insisting on a neutral voice, I believe my post has somewhat led to a certain angle. I can't help it but to be indirectly influenced by surrounding factors. Whatever turns out on 5th of May, I pray for peace in my country. May the people are in safe hands with peace and harmony. You may be supporting a particular party, let it be green or blue, but do remember we are all Malaysians. There is no need to fight or go against each other.

I hereby apologise if my post offends anyone or oppose any of your views. As quoted by my Sociology tutor, 'I am always wrong', my opinion on this blog post is not necessarily valid.

I shall end this with a rhyme of words, summing up my thoughts on this game:

This is a matter of change or continue,
Such a crucial moment with unsolved issue.
I am drowning in a sea of green and blue,
Seeing the happenings with no absolute clue.
Who will win or lose you can certainly argue,
Vote for them who will bring meaning and value.
Don't be a fool or a joke and just stay true,
May destiny favours the one with virtue.



With a burning fire at heart,
Wen Xin

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Ole Ole Man Utd

Refreshed my memory back to 19th July 2009, with my own eyes, I saw the Manchester United squad for the first time. Missing my man, Cristiano Ronaldo, but the festive atmosphere was unforgettable.

I was in Singapore on 13th May 2012, travelled alone for the first time to the Red Dot Island. With a sore feet after walking for whole day, I saw the Manchester United merchandise shop along the City Hall tunnel. Ironically that day was the deciding day of the title between the Manchester rivals. Manchester City cruelly snatched the title from United with 2 goals in a 5 minutes rebound from City. It was heart wrenching for a fan.

Recent years, I don't find myself watching matches, I used to watch my team play. But now, I am just a follower, not even an avid one, just read up news on wins or losses, who in and out of the transfer market. But once a fan, always a fan. It is difficult to forget the history of this team who was so huge in my teens.

23rd April 2013, on my first anniversary of becoming a semi vegetarian, they clinched their 20th title, in great style. A hat trick from Robin van Persie, who came from another great team, Arsenal; no doubt was the man of the match. I have always linked myself with happenings around me, to search a meaning of my happening with the surroundings.

Last year I told myself, if Manchester United win the title, I will able to realise my dream. As all know, it didn't happen. I was left devastated, upset and in immense pain, not for the loss of the team, but my inability to make the dream come true.

This year, I didn't foresee or predict anything like last year. But things prove to me that miracle does happen, and some miracle is life-changing. I have around 7 more days to my flag off of my finals. Come to think of it, it is rather insignificant to study for it. I failed my mocks again, second time in 5 months. It was quite a blow, considered I was confident despite only grasping the syllabus within this 1.5 months with distractions and commitments.

I wasn't upset, at all, just thought I could do better. With Manchester United winning, it is even more faith-restoring and hope-reassuring. Though there is sort of no point studying for finals, but there is always something worth fighting for. It was my worst performance but definitely not a bad mentality. I am still positive of the outcome, knowing a lot of work needed to be done in these 7 days.

I know I would be able to turn things up, and prove to those eyes which doubt me, those who are forecasting a fail in me. I know I am opting for a difficult and stupid route, but with God's bless, I will be able to do it. Life is gonna change soon, it is. And this has to be part of this. Congrats to the Manchester United and fans around the world who rejoice in this victory. May their title can inspire me well to the end of this first year journey. I might not be able to continue the whole journey, but at least end my 1/3 with a bang.


Love,
Wen Xin


Saturday, April 20, 2013

Life in an hour.

This was supposed to be updated last week. Summarising a life-changing week so far in 1 hour of cardio workout:

Sometimes I wonder do I know what's that worth, still aren't sure if 'Heaven Is A Place On Earth'. We wish 'We Found Love' in a hopeless place, and try to make it a 'Summer Of Love'.

Sometimes people labelled you as loser, look down on you, deceive you with words, you 'Bounce' back to be a 'Winner'.You wouldn't know when a 'Grenade' is thrown, all you can is to push it to the limit while you can.

'Starships' are meant to fly, dreams are meant to lift you 'Higher' off the ground. 'All You Deejays' turn the beat on as you write life as the music score.

'Yeah Yeah Yeah', quite an interesting life so far, 'Good Life' indeed.

It was the right catalyst last week to get pumped for the trials, with the right music, mood, energy and form. I wasn't planning to go at first, thought of staying at home to study. But something triggered me to go. Things are at God's will. If it's yours, it's yours, a lesson I learned this week.


Thursday, April 11, 2013

See the Light

Before 2013, I read a numerology article on my number (8th), 17 was an important age, the next is 26. Somehow I don't know how thoughts evolve, I always thought my next life-changing age is 21. In the beginning of 2013, the year I will be turning 21, it started with a hope. The journey wasn't easy as I dealt with failures and adventures, heartbreaks and despair.

Recalling what happenned in January till now, the journey has not been easy. A mere 4 months, it is life-changing, the biggest miracle, EVER. My friend asked me what religion do I believe in. I said I am a free thinker, but I do believe in existence of God, just God is not specific. The past few days, my mind is thinking of 'if God were to grant you a wish come true, what wish will it be?'

I will say 'God has given me enough, in fact too much, I have all I ever wanted already'.

Today, I'm telling myself, if God give you a huge miracle this year, you have 20 more days to produce another miracle. Oh God, there are reasons for me to not continue fighting, but this is my nature, I will have to persevere. At the edge of hopeless, You turn my life upside down and give me the best 21st birthday gift ever. Now, I am asking you once more, bless me as I work on another miracle. It might not turn out beautiful but it is a war, worth fighting for.



Thank you,
Wen Xin

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Authoritarianism

Recently I wrote quite a lot about adults, but an unpleasant experience yesterday leads me to the concept of authoritarianism and how authoritarian is not something I want to be.

All the while, I am aspired to be on the top, ambitious you must say, a typical Malaysian Chinese you must say. I can't help it, being on top does feel good although surrounded by immense pressure. Being on top gives you a sense of authority, a sense to control things, a sense to manipulate agenda.

I'm not a born leader, a natural leader. I might have good management or planning skills but I never want to fight with people for a position. To me, at this individual point, I'm still focus much on my own performance. I have learned to study for my own sake, workout for achieving a healthy body, take care of my face to feel better, (try to) read more to improve knowledge and wisdom, achieve each things with my own will at personal scale.

It doesn't matter if I am not acknowledged by a professional or recognised body. Of course if there is a recognition, it'd be better. But sometimes, it's a sense of pride evolves from yourself, matters. I don't see the need to be pushy, to be stern, to be mean, to show your authority.

A form of authority is shown to me yesterday. I blamed myself for being apologetic, because I have my utmost respect for the figure of authority. However, I have to disagree that an authority has to be used at the first place since fault is at the technical place, not mine.

I admit to be at fault for my failure in managing time and commitments. But I believe I am coping with life much better than my peers. Not to sound arrogant, I do deeply believe everyone has their own problems. I am trying not to judge people from the obvious, but sometimes it is inevitable. Boy, you give me so much to judge!

I have been people-pleasing since I was in my teens. An interesting chat with an extraordinary friend suggested that people-pleasing is not entirely bad. He believes that people-pleaser has a form of satisfaction when they please people. Though sometimes they might be seen as taken advantage of, they are happy to see things solved.

To date, I can never imagine myself being an authoritarian though inside, I might want (have to) to be. Perhaps all I need to do is to be mean. I can change who I am, it's the matter of if I want to change.


Power,
Wen Xin

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Life Changing, or Not

It is really funny to think back, in last July, I was so excited turning 20 to enter the adulthood. Only after a month of two, the thought changed 180 degrees, scared me off and changed some perspectives to another, or none.

After studying for 13 years till pre university, I took 6 months to work in a white collar world. As oppose by peers which think work will dampen the study momentum, I was subborn as usual to work with formal attire as I have always dreamed. I sat in my L sized shape desk, with a comfortable armchair, an outdated computer with no internet connection, dressed in my favourite Dorothy Perkins purple top, MNG pants and Vincci peep toe heels. I told myself, this is it, this is where I belong.

I have struggled since last September to get my momentum on books. I no longer see theories are relevant to life. These two months however, I finally see some light. Finals are coming up in 1.33333 months and I have no time to slack. Turned on the auto study mode, these few weeks have been productive, more work is definitely needed, but I felt more lifeless than ever.

A working adult starts their work from 9 to 5, overtime most of the time, probably 8 or 9pm. Drove back and found yourself half dead on bed, perhaps there are worries on tomorrow's work but usually you find peace at home (no work to be completed). A student life has changed, we have much more flexible timing of course, less time spent directly on the commitment (studies). However, students go to university, and turn out the study mode till lessons are over. Go back home like a zombie, and resume studying till midnight after recharging. Smack me, I can't stop complaining!

A working adult always warned us 'working is suffocating, enjoy your university life'. I really don't understand the validity of the statement. I wonder a lot, I wonder why? Is working the rest of our lives something bad? Is the working environment that scary? Is human that dehumanising when it comes to materialism? I have been wondering and searching for answers, but all I felt, is I fell into a deeper hole.

I am not sure how my life is turning out. Before this, I do things out of what society thinks is honourable. Now, I don't know what to do with life. A wise man once told me, there is a choice. Is there really a choice? Does society really give us a choice? Do parents really give their children a choice when they insist 'you find jobs everywhere with accountancy'?

The wonder of the week falls to the category of time management. As I commit to a few major things at the moment, I overestimated my time management skills and underestimated my emotional side. I managed to talk to a few adults on their lives, funny that I am crowning myself a kid around them, because that's how I feel, an innocent and incapable girl. I am deeply interested in knowing their lives, not sure if I have invaded their privacy.

Over a chat in the assembly room and a mamak meal, he shared with me his insights of his life. At the age of 17, he already knew what he is going to do, and he is indeed successful. In a good way, he questioned my direction in life. I thought I had one, but I lost it early last year. I am worried, and I am scared. I am careful of each step in life because I am afraid of failure and mistakes. I am aware of each move because what if time, money, and opportunity are not on my side.

Over a weekly night duty, she talked to me about time management as I bombarded her with questions. I reduced much of my volunteer duty, feeling guilty but at this point, I need a break. I do feel useless and shameful, I thought I can cope. She, a dynamic woman, made things sound easy, juggling with various commitments just like this. If only I can shun the guilt away or install a robot dynamo in me, I might can manage time and things better.

Over a bench after an hour of cardio battle, I asked him about life, again. Is there time for yourself? In January, I was breathless every single day, juggling with commitments, stress and self-imposed pressure. Who am I to complain? I am just a student, the commitments are minor if compared to his and others. Despite a busy life, he thought it is worth it. I thought, then that's the only thing that matters. I am afraid life is not turning out right, I am afraid my life isn't fulfiling as I want. If only I continue asking 'is your life now what you have imagined 10 years ago?'.

The reason why last year has not worked out is, when the direction is gone, hope is gone. I moved on with the back up plan, discovered that 'hey it's not too bad', but honestly, the soul took quite awhile to recover, and I don't think I have recovered. This year, a hope came alive. There were obstacles, still there are. Now, things are close, yet not reaching the destination yet. I swear everytime the tablet beeped, I checked my inbox but only to be disappointed. The uncertainty of last year has returned, but brought much optimistic hope and confusing dilemma at the same time.

Saw a photo-quote, 'Sometimes you have to stop worrying, wondering, and doubting. Have faith that things will work out, maybe not how you planned, but just how it meant to be.' Just how it meant to be. And yes I shall continue the routine of life, and if things were to detour, my life will change.


Don't you worry, child,
Wen Xin

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Chap Goh Mei

Also known as the Chinese Valentine's Day, the last day of Chinese New Year is the day for singles lure the future partner by throwing mandarin oranges with name and handphone number written. After recovering from yesterday, I spent the day with my team, working on a documentary project. It was always inspiring seeing each of them, small team but mighty heart and noble people.

The body is not cooperating again. Half way through the event, signals of energy depletion are sent. I sensed something was wrong and quickly gulped down half a bottle of 100plus. It sustained, but not a recovery certainly.

Dismissed from the event as I know if I stay, I'd end up like in gym yesterday, crawling and dragging myself. I drove the 5 minutes journey home, with tears. It was one of the moment I realised I am an adult now, I have to drive myself home eventhough I am not well. Lying on the bed, smelly and sweaty, with a can of 100plus standby. I'd need to shower and restore my energy.

Hey I just (haven't) met you,
And this is crazy,
So here's my number,
So call me maybe?

I have certainly met you,
But things between us are nothing,
Even here's my number,
Would you even call me, maybe?



Love,
Wen Xin

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Warning: Low Battery Alert

I remembered how annoying it is when the phone gives you warning alert that the phone is in low battery. Today, the ignorance of the annoyance, has a price to pay. Well, my phone is pretty much still in good condition, it's old but still functioning well.

It is not the phone I am talking about, but myself. Half way through my usual workout routine this morning, there was an unease feeling with my body. The churn in the stomach was back and I saw a ring of stars with the left eyes. The workout was still on the go, and I was vying for a release after a stressful week of catching up and juggling commitments.

The body repeatedly sent out warning alerts, that I shouldn't continue. Dismissed the warning like how I did with my phone, I stayed for another 15 minutes. It hit me that I seriously need a break instead of a favourite highest intensity track. Opted for a 5 minutes break and continued. But the form was weak with poor poisture and mentality.

Sinked to the bench, had a brief chat while waves of migraine attacking my head. It felt like the buzz of a timer bomb, each current was strong, and the bomb was triggered but held its way. Made my way through the shower room and it got worse. Left the gym with shaky legs, pale face, and an unease stomach with a huge urge to throw up. Each step I walked was so tiny, mother was far in the front and I had hard time catching up.

Can't even utter 'I might throw up in the car'. This was when the body sent out its final warning, remaining of 1% of battery life in my body. I dragged myself up and lied down on the bed. Body was weak, fingers were tensed, mind was blowing. Gulped down half a can of 100 plus and continued my sleep.

Canceled the 3pm appointment, I can't drive, can't walk, can't think. Now it was approaching 4pm, thank God I felt much better. Probably it had been a whole long week of work, plus an unhealthy diet on the week before.

Haven't been replying the catching up emails with some friends, I miss each of them so much yet there was no time to reply. Miss call and text messages are forgotten. A huge mess of me now, finals are in 9 weeks. It doesn't just take a miracle now, it will take a apocalpyse to ace it.

Like those football stars, when you struggle to find your form, the frustrating level is so high with the media reporting 'XXX's 3 months long goal draught'. In my workout and life, I have not enjoyed a good form or a peak form for quite some time. It's probably time to find it.


Love,
Wen Xin

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Dear Diary

It has been awhile since I last wrote to you. I am sorry, with all those social medias promoting instantaneous updates. I followed the trend to abandon the tradition diary writing. But I came back to you today because I was feeling weird the whole day.

Woke up with an uncomfortable stomach, and immersed in running errands. Knowing that I'll need to depart to the gym in 1.5 hours, messages to be replied, parcels to be wrapped, and pictures to be uploaded, were all done in a rush. Somehow it was quite frustrating when you have so much to do yet you are procrastinating so much. Sometimes it can be really disappointing when people being inconsiderate and immature. Not understanding that people have so much to juggle in so little time.

Was busy till I totally forgot to have breakfast, workout is starting in 25 minutes! Gulped down a drink and the stomach was churning more than before. The workout was not to be missed after a sinful week of meat consumption and huge amount of food.

Dang the workout was clumsy and lazy. Wasn't concentrating while worrying I might throw up any time. Taking most easy (lazy) options and didn't even manage to go for the intended second session. At least I sweated and restored some faith with Believe by Delta Goodrem.

Continued to run errand in KLCC and back in the gym. Not sure what I am doing is worth doing. People don't seem to understand I don't want a rigid life anymore. A life where you board a train with fixed stations and time durations. There is no flexibility for detours, with directions and ambitions being set with no space for turning back. I tried keeping myself busy, hoping to learn better time management and know myself better, as weird as it may sound. I am barely coping, honestly. There are doubts all the time. I have no source of inspirations like last time. I had Cristiano Ronaldo (laugh if you may). Now I have none.

Relatives came visiting and I pulled all ears, listening to tales and gossips. Life is already dramatic enough with encounters, and people are being so sceptic about it, making the situation worse and uglier. Indirectly, they are making themselves the ugliest. And is this what are the adults trying to show us?

An unpeaceful nap is not helpful in easing my mind. It's the seventh day of Chinese New Year, it's everyone's birthday. Traditionally, we have Yee Sang on this day. Had my third one today, it still failed to beat last year's record. The stomach churned even more after two plates of Yee Sang. There is no apetite of dinner and that concluded a day with no solid food.

Thoughts became even more bewildered. The mood became even more sorrowful. The body became even more painful and lazy. Finished some house chores and immersed in Temple Run 2. Dang it was so difficult yet addictive.

Had a soothing and calming mask, but it didn't sooth my mind or calm my soul. Stomach is still churning as I am writing this.

Diary, God, Ron, if you are reading this, there is one last day for me as a free person. There is a battlefield ahead and the war will be getting really nasty. Am not sure if I will survive, You always bless me in tough situations. I am calling for you again, guide me light through the dark.


Love,
Wen Xin

Thursday, January 24, 2013

How is More Salt Better than More Rice?

The chinese saying goes, 'adults eat more salt than kids eat rice'. Somehow, I thought adults are supposed to be much more responsible and rational, because they have more life experiences than us. Recent examples show that I am wrong. Maybe the overconsumption of salt has some effects on them.

Don't get me wrong, I have my utmost respect for most adults. They have gone through my current stage, harder and longer. I look up to them for inspirations from them, of their doings. Hopeful to learn a couple of thing, but somehow the don'ts are pretty much disappointing.

An adult is supposingly to treat the younger generation in a way to educate and guide them. But all I see, is adults have a huge egoism which carries a barrier to communicate with younger generation. I shall not quote the 4 examples I encountered, but dear adults, don't be a joke in front of the young people.

If an adult refuses to give a damn towards the younger generation by adapting the rapid change, not only relationships can be strained, it creates a side effect in the growth.

If an adult does not acknowledge a young generation's views or opinions, don't insult but improve or instill.

If an adult refuses to provide assistance, just say 'No', rather than jeopardising future undertaking.

If an adult thinks the younger generation's quality is deteriorating, focus on the solution but not criticising the problem, and do think, who cause it?

If an adult has no solution or no say in things, do encourage but not dishearten.



If you break hope, you break life,
Wen Xin

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Confession of a Desperado

This is a confession I wrote for 21st December 2012. If the world really ends, this shall be my last words to some people.

To you,
whom I see once a week,
you never fail to make my day.
I believe there is fate,
or at least, there was.

To you,
whom I thought was special,
I hate how things were hot and cold.
I thought there is something going on,
but my presence is actually, insignificant.

To you,
whom I thought a changing point of life,
perhaps time isn't on our side.
You came too early, I joined too late.
All the best in life,
I see you with a bright future ahead.

To you,
whom I hail as my Superman,
I thought things aren't gonna work out.
But I have no choice but to carry on,
eventhough you don't give a damn.

To you,
whom I said I will not be you,
thank you for being a role model,
for your insights and experience.

To you,
whom is thousand miles away,
I miss you dearly,
thanks for being there when I need someone to talk to.

To you,
whom is my new-found Darling,
thank you for being one of the craziest friend,
making me feel comfortable and be crazy with.

To you,
whom must be the most controversial person I met,
thank you for the perspective,
for you have shown me,
types of people I should beware of.

To you,
whom seem to have everything you want,
it is time to grow up and be responsible.
I have no say in your life,
but do understand people are building lives.

To you,
whom can't seem to stop swearing,
I hope you stop downgrading yourself as a person.
There's nothing wrong in vulgar expression,
but some times, words do break things.

To you,
whom leaves out all your primary socialisation,
do remember who sticks with your high and low.
Learn to prioritise know which is important.

To you,
whom are leading your own life,
stay strong when life really sucks.
Continue your journey of enlightenment,
but not to lose yourself in the process.
Continue your pursuit of dreams,
but not to lose your principles in the process.


Wen Xin

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Meritocracy


Since young, the success of a child is measured by how many A's you can score in national examinations. UK university entry is pretty much straight forward with the meritocracy system, accepting students with A levels score of A or A*. Sadly, it has to continue, in tertiary stage and adult stage, perhaps.

The more achievements you made, the higher you made to the system. 20 years, I have always been on top of the league, I never fell off the game, until now. It sucks to be at the bottom, not on the fact you are at the bottom, but at the reaction of people of you being at the bottom.

At the bottom, there is almost no sympathy and aid, as though you deserve to be at the bottom. All people focus on is the end of the product, but no one care about the process. Remaining to be an unsung hero, the effort does not matter but how many lives you can save matters. Who cares if Hulk does not want to turn to a monster. Who cares if Spiderman just wanted to be with Mary Jane. The society has focused much more on needs than wants.

That we need to be merit-based, but not humanity-based. Falling off the league made me felt second class. I learned from the fall and at the same time, disgusted by those who disregarded me, who think I am worthless. Though how judgemental a person is, it is at most disgrace that a person judges without knowing the background, the personal problem, the encounter, and the happening.

Struggles are meant to be kept in silence, where success is meant to be shown. People talk about how cool the Mercedes car they owned, but not the loan they are paying. Does that mean that if you are not driving a Mercedes, you can't drive one in the future? Does that mean one failure will determine the future? Unfortunately, in the eye of a meritocrat, the answer is yes.

Probably no one thought when Mark Zuckerberg dropped out from Harvard University, he will become a billionaire and one of the most influential person in recent times. Truth is, there isn't many Zuckerbergs out there which have talent, effort, luck and destiny on his side. But one, can always make a comeback, whether it is big or not.

For the first time in my life, I felt I breakthrough the mindset of doing something for the sake of societal need. Do I actually need strings of A and a degree? Yes I do need to survive in the society. Do I actually need marriage and love? Yes it's society definition of good life. Do I actually need money and investment? Yes it is the trade of economy and if you want a better life, you better have do so!

I changed my mindset of I study for the sake of a better self, to fulfil my curiosity and expand my experience. I will have love when God send me the man I desire. Money will come to me when I master the passion of work in life. But the surrounding, is always forcing you to be meritocratic. When I could not master the Introduction to Economics, I merely stopped and breathed. At the stage of life, I just don't want to force myself. I know the time will come when the time is here. But fate, miracle, hope, destiny, don't stop and wait.

Long gone is the egalitarianism, long gone is humanity. I pray for a better world, but the world just keep scaring me off. The more you know, the scarier it is.


Wen Xin

Friday, January 11, 2013

The First One is the Worst One

Recalling the scenery overlooking Damansara,
You utter something I never heard.
Knowing the harsh truth of the failure,
But is the end product truly reflects who I am?

Trying to hold but it can't stop,
Dying to leave but I can't give up.
A huge miracle revives an old dream,
A dream I don't even know of its validity.

My eyes hurt with dropping tears,
Enduring a pain I truly deserve.
Asked God why the prolonged joke,
Because You make me the weirdest bloke.

Things aren't right when it starts,
Fixing it but happenings are too much.
I said this time I will never make,
But all you say is I am fake.

A second chance for a better ten,
Only if I can ignore and pretend.
I don't even know if I want that,
Am I doing it for the sake of them?

Nothing else more I shall care,
Because 14th is the truth and dare.
I dreamed a dream as time gone by,
But it might be a dream that has said goodbye.

Well said by Boys Like Girls,
Well done by a little girl.
The first one is the worst one,
When it comes to a broken heart.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

2012 Year in Review

Warning: long and winding post ahead. 

I need to read this in the future, to have a good laugh of my writing and the year as a whole. Just realised, I didn’t write a reflection post on 2011. Maybe my HSC result was so horrendous at the end of the year that it totally stopped my tradition. I remembered crying my eyeballs out for two days, sobbing hard in my office’s bathroom overlooking at the KL view while talking my heart out to my friend on the phone. It was tough, it was painful, it was over.

Recapping the previous years as far as I remembered:

2007 – Peak
2008 – Above average
2009 – Above average
2010 – Growth
2011 – Recession
2012 – Depression

Of course it isn't as bad as it sounds.

The negatives:
  • An uncertain future with no direction, still.
Never have a moment of doubt before about my future, I clutched to the hope that a miracle would happen, to realize a 5 year old dream. It didn’t happen of course but there was a last resort and I thought ‘Hey this could be a detour’. A detour indeed, but I am realizing that it is bringing to a completely different route. Not aware of the consequences and ultimate destination, it is very frustrating at this age where I thought it is my life now and I am in charge. I am wrong.

  • Broken relationships and a broken heart.
Relationships rot at the start of the year and worsen at the end of the year. As people grow and age, different encounters make people change, and change is not really welcomed in a close-minded society. When coping is difficult and egoism stands in its way, relationships are sore and left with a broken heart. Trying to be the middle person and hold things up, are difficult. Sometimes, I am not as strong as I thought. But I have no choice but to keep inducing some optimism in. If not, it will crumble with no one stand tall.

  •  The Procrastination.
Repeating it again, if procrastination is a nation, I should be crowned the queen. I believe this is an issue faced by most. Ain’t complaining but it is definitely bringing things down. Turned 20 this year, usually I will go around and say ’20 only mah’, but I can’t help it but to think ’20 already’! By 21, I should be mentally wise enough, intellectually good enough, physically strong enough, and financially capable enough to take care of myself. But procrastination holds things up, I am holding myself up. I spent all day refreshing Facebook or browsing sites, but not meaningful activities or battles. Procrastination makes me feel more lifeless than ever, particularly this year.

  • Losing faith in humanity.
More issues are discovered this year about humans, behaviours in general. Met a person who lives by the motto of ‘Life is Beautiful’, it is beautiful indeed, but with people in it, things have gotten scarier. Crime’s everywhere, dirty politics here and there, annoying love songs on the air, changing behaviours of loved ones, immaturity of known ones, the eager pursuit of power and wealth, the desperation of cloning one’s life, etc. Perhaps I should not be judgmental nor care about what others are doing for their lives. I can’t help it but I am disgusted.
No huge devastating events happen actually, just maybe my thinking factory has not been shut down, and some of the engine parts need some WD-40 perhaps.


The positives:
  • Reducing the personal carbon footprint by adopting to be a semi-vegan.
Limiting my diet choice keeps me fit and healthy. Though at initial stage, it feels weak and cold with a significant reduction in protein and fats intake. It does feel tempting at times when the fried chicken smells so good. I felt proud for self disciplining myself. There is a glow of radiance with a simpler and greener diet. It is a personal choice, and I am doing for the sake of a good change for myself.

  • Venturing into volunteerism and humanitarianism.
Working along a community with no hidden agenda and solely for a good cause they believe. They are the reasons why I still have faith with humanity. I have learned to manage time better, to be physically stronger and mentally tougher, to be willing to commit and sacrifice, etc. Most importantly, it is a great to help those who are in need and give back to the society. Working with them is probably the only time there is no worries. At least when people are sleeping at homes, partying in the clubs, shopping for more Burberry; I am with these humanitarians and Samaritans.

  • Capturing the moods, daily quotes and whereabouts in a diary.
While most people rely on social medias and online applications, I am still pretty old-schooled, using my red Typo diary to sum up the year. I jot down my daily moods, there are 366 faces in my diary, of a scale of 5 smiley faces, ranging from ‘over the moon’, ‘you smile I smile’, ‘nothing else I can say’, ‘hurt‘ and ‘cry me a river’. Besides, I write down my daily happenings/inspirations in the form of quotes. Most are written by myself, some are shared on Facebook, some are wise words from people I met. Tina Seelig dedicated her book entitled ‘What I wish I knew when I was 20’ as a 20th birthday gift to her son. Inspired by Seelig, the diary, comprises probably 1000 quotes, will be given or shared with someone worth-sharing in the future. Reading back the diary, it shows how much I grow and how na├»ve I am, still.

  • Internship
I survived a 6.5 months of internship prior to the start of university. Working is not as scary as I thought, or maybe I have not experienced the real working yet. Almost every adult I met warned me about the scary working world, urging me to ‘enjoy your university life’. I do understand the political part of working environments, the stressing moments when targets and aims need to be met for capitalism needs, the lack of freedom to do things, etc. But when all those are inevitable, I think work provides a sense of fulfilment for me, that I made something, and solved something. Though I might not be the most capable and successful, I learn a lot from the process and applications, meet interesting people, whether they are sincere, hideous or mere acquaintances.

  • Travelling trips to Singapore, Penang, Damai Laut, Phuket, Krabi, Bangkok
Headed to Singapore for an entry examination, the focus wasn’t on the exams, but the fact that it is the first solo trip. Enjoyed Penang with my girl friends, and discovered insights about friends in general. Won a free stay in Swiss Garden Damai Laut, was a rather free and easy trip. The first cruise trip to Phuket and Krabi, though there were some unpleasant experiences but glad to spend time with grandmother. For the first time, spent Christmas away from home, in Bangkok, where they call the city of angels. It didn’t seem angelic to me.

The achievements seem promising and fulfilling. Those are things I never intend of even have the slightest thought to achieve at the initial point. I was proud of myself, but it didn’t last. My friend had suggested me not to judge the year based on the year end. Come to think of it, the year had been quite fruitful. But not sure why, there is something missing this year. Perhaps although the positives outnumbered the negatives, the negatives found its way to conquer my thoughts. If 2012 is a depression, I hope 2013 can be a recovery or redemption.

Toast to the end of the year, HAPPY NEW YEAR!