Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Regrets


I was on the way back from a grocery shopping trip and this song is on the radio. 'Big girls cry when their heart is breaking'. The heart was broken since January, and the soul is still aching. I am not sure how much more I could take. It was all cool on the outside, until the moment I came home, to my vulnerable zone.

Remember that one time when he left, and you still cling onto your pillow pretending you are hugging him? Remember that one time when you drop your first f-word, and you cover your mouth instantly and wish you didn't blab that word? Remember that one time when you fail intentionally for the first time, and you said you will redo it next year? Remember that one time when you said you want the best of both things from the best of both worlds? 

Note to self, all is done and all is over. I don't think I have any energy left in me to fight for this second dream, nor I have the money, determination, discipline. I pursued this dream out of stubbornness, over-estimation and unrealistic thinking. It is possible and do-able as I found out, but it'd take much more than I am currently sacrificing. 

My last back up plan had backfired, the three-year journey might be worthless after all. Thinking of all the time, money, effort (I can assure you that it is not a lot, and I don't deserve any credit), sacrifice on social life; it hurt so badly that after all these, it gives me nothing. Well, it did give me a lot of lessons and experience, I should settle with gratitude that I learned. 

To answer the questions at the first paragraph, it screams 'REGRETS'. I do not regret for things I did, but I do regret for things I did not do. And this, is probably the biggest regret in life I had so far. Have you let go 2-3 years of your life? Have you let go a dream before? How did you do it? How did you move on? I am not sure if I have time and energy to figure it out, and I am not sure if I would listen if someone talk to me. More confused than ever, I am wandering around without a direction. 

I met Bruce at the lift.
'You forget something?'
'Yeah my notes'
'Long day huh?'
'Will be a tough one, and a tough week'
'It will all be worth it'
'Yes it will'

Thank you Bruce for the short conversation and the reassurance, and for pressing the button back to my floor. I really do hope it's worth it.



Hopeful or hopeless,
Wen Xin


Sunday, May 10, 2015

Want, Greed, Price


I guess it is better to put these to thoughts, before the days come. The days where I marked my calender with two big and red asterisk marks yet I ignored each time, telling myself that I'd eventually have time to work on it. I started counting down when it was 30 days away. I have sacrificed and let go so many things for this dream of two years. This journey might really come to a halt this time, and it might be best to summarise this in three chapters.

Chapter 1: Want
Perhaps everything started with this word. I want that bar of chocolate, I want love, I want this, I want that, I want more. One of the biggest lesson from 2014 was 'less is more', But I never settle for less, in fact the weirdest and stupidest fact about me is, the easier things are, the more I run away, towards something more challenging and impossible. Same as this journey, I don't need it but I want it. 

Chapter 2: Greed
Perhaps I wanted too many things, the passion is divided into so many things that I wanted to put my name on it. Greed is dangerous, it is an illusion that convinces you that you should achieve as many as things in the shortest span of time. Three of the major commitments hit the peak at the same time, that is something I did foresee but I did not prepare well for, physically and mentally. As a result of Greed, I might lose all, which I couldn't afford.

Chapter 3: Price
Perhaps one of the biggest challenge for 2015 is letting go which God has taken so much away from me. I have lost so much of important and special things this year. I am afraid He want me to let go of this ambitious and unnecessary dream. But if I RSVP to an event, I would make a point to attend even though I might not enjoy or I know the party is not meant for me. Take me to church this time and I know He will stay with me throughout the journey. I will finish this off, no matter how it turns out.



At least I tried,
Wen Xin


Sunday, May 3, 2015

Thoughts

I come to my blog whenever I need to express something. Well, a couple of thoughts below:

Another week is closing and I am one step closer to another cycle of judgement day. I really do not how to to pull things off in 10 days. Last year was a miracle, but last year was way better, at least I had a break and responsibility-free. I am literally on the verge of giving up, at the cliff of falling but holding on to a rope.

*

Is it bad to always assume the worst would happen? Because if you have assumed the worst you can possibly imagined, the outcome should usually be at least better. Is it sick that I found pleasure from this, that I am happy that things worked out?

*

I treat people the way how I wanted to be treated. Some times I tried pleasing people as I think it makes people happy. But sometimes, when I did some mistakes, inconsiderate or speak the wrong words, I feel guilty. I don't remember a time when I snap, even when the person was furious. Owning to my mistake and wishing people could accept my apology like how I did, but no, you don't get the same treatment when you cross the line, even that line is thin.

*

I guess accounting really isn't my thing. I am usually interested in assignments, but not this one. Not even when the assignment is due in 3 days, I am not even panicking, yet.

*

I am a worrier. And sometimes I wish there is someone who could stand up and say 'don't worry, stay calm, I got this'. I do overthink in things. But if some things that can be amended and I didn't spend some time thinking, I'd blame myself for the outcome. It's just when I was growing up, I learned that nothing good comes easy. If you want something, you fight for it, constantly trying and improving.

*

I will gradually quit Twitter, might keep it to follow some friends and hashtags. But judging by my deteriorating rate of using it, I might bid Twitter farewell on the first anniversary of joining Twitter, which is soon.

*

My volunteer team is in Nepal. Source: . One day, I will be there with them. The political fight campaign is painful yet perhaps necessary. But I'd rather fight with my team in Nepal, and fight for a better life for those victims.

*

Why am I even excited about Mayweather vs Pacquaio? I don't even wear the boxing gloves until 4 days ago. Well it is dubbed as the Fight of the Century, and I followed the news. Knowing nothing about boxing strategy or technique, I was rooting for Pacquaio. We all want the good man to win.

*

So much money and attention on this fight of the century and the arrival of the royal princess, especially for the event, so so so much money. But am I saying that the money and the attention should go to the needy ones like Nepal or other places? Technically yes but realistically no. There will always be inequality.

*

The heart-shaped post its I had on my wall, has 'sacrifice' at the middle. To remind myself of all the sacrifices needed for a greater good. I am not sure how the coming weeks will turn out and if I can hold on to what I wanted while sacrifice so much along the way. But I guess when there is a will, there is a way. Once awhile, you finally realise how much and what you will sacrifice for something. And surprised that others are not sacrificing as much as you expected. Lesson to self, do not make a decision because of others, and do not rely on others words or promises.

*

A committee just delivers the best news ever! I was jumping up and down with joy. Along with the current three other ongoing commitments, the organisation is draining me. There are a lot of hidden reasons behind an event, same as Malaysian Night 2014. It hides my interpretation of Malaysia, carries an experience I missed or I wish that Malaysians reminisce and non-Malaysians understand. It takes risk and effort where not many know. The news came at the right time when I was feeling low and helpless. It's good to know there is a team behind my back and I am absolutely not alone,

*

Let's end this long post of thoughts on a high note,
Wen Xin