Saturday, September 19, 2015

Gone by September

Dear blog,

I have written this to you that I come to you when the sky is gloomingly dark and when things reach the hopelessly pessimistic level. I said and shared this with a couple of close friends that it is the quarter life crisis when one is seemingly lost in the world of decisions and journeys. I geared up early of the year and stayed in the game for a semester. But the aftermath of the persistence hit me badly on the second semester which I did not foresee. 

A 3-week internship opened my eye to the future employer and I don't see myself fitting in for 3 years. With no time of recovery, I continued my commitment with the society, doing more than I should to ensure things go smoothly. Only to find myself losing passion day by day but I have no choice but to continue, for the ego that I don't want to lose. I found out a result that I already knew and was reluctant to give up or move on. I seek for support in this, only to be assured that this is a lonely journey right from the start. 

I am living in the fear that my fate for last year will repeat where it was the lowest point of my academic studies. I have a study plan laid out on my whiteboard but as always, it is part of the wall decoration.

I want to stop feeling bitter about comparing with others and with my own past which my current self is always at the downside fate which I will never ever overcome. I want to pursue things that I love by waking up to each of them with anticipation. I want to stop feeling lost.