Saturday, May 28, 2016

The Sound of Silence


When I was a child, and even now as a young adult, one of the phrase I hate is 'shut up'. This phrase rudely dismissed one's right to speak. This phrase fuels the arrogance of the speaker to silence someone and to express distaste in the other person's statement, whether it is an exchange, a commentary, a debate or a discussion.

I used to be vocal about what I thought, not so much on issues, but my daily musings. I remembered posting up quotes that conclude my thoughts, attracting likes which is motivating. I do not know when it stopped. I wanted to write, and I know I have to read more and I know I have to engage more. Sadly I discovered that I could not write, eloquently and expressively. This fear haunted me for awhile, it led to me unable to write the production in my head, the argument for my group assignment, any public posts online. Instead, I resolve to stay here, in my safe space, my personal blog. But this blog, isn't a 'Blockbuster'-ed blog after all. I wish it could live up to its name one day. 

These few years, I practiced the sound of silence, and I observed. I read the comment sections on articles that interested me and not a day goes by that my hope shattered bit by bit. I began to lose my faith in humanity, the twisted views, the ugly language but most importantly, the need to bash up someone's commentary just to prove one is right, disgusted me.

We talked about grand theories and world issues, with the attention on social issues. Every comment stays firm on their own, there is less acknowledgement on differ views, there are more emotions involved with what is personal to them. Feminism, racism, sexism, war, politics, etc. The social media war is ugly. What are we trying to promote? That we have a valid voice? That the voice is worth listening to? That we have a position to take? That those voices are doing anything practical?

I found my last few Finance lectures to be very inspiring, to a point that I hope it is a turning point of this stage of life. Quoting one of the quote my lecturer put on the lecture: 

'The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil if for Good Men to do Nothing. - Edmund Burke'

Till then, in the wake of learning how I could nurture myself better, I hold on to the sound of silence. Until one day, when I can silence the sound of chaos. 



Disturbed,
Wen Xin

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Ciao, come stai?


It was the third week of the last semester. I was getting frustrating and demotivated on my advanced microeconomics course. One of the fundamental theory says human responses to incentives. When I found out the only incentive to take this course was harshly taken away from me, I went with my instinct to expand my annual project. I swapped my course and decided to go against my reasoning for not pursuing a language (I always think that unless I have someone to converse with, there is no way I would take up a language again, after the horrendous attempt on German few years ago). So I took up the introductory course for Italian.

I made my way to the language school, which was so foreign to me for the past 2.5 years. I found myself being surrounded by so many other different cultures and some of the most eccentric fashionista on campus. People who study languages dressed up well. I could not understand what the students were talking about outside the classroom. I walked timidly to the classroom, with everyone saying 'piacere' to me. Little did I know, this course turned out to be one of the most enjoyable course I had taken during my undergraduate studies. Not only because it was a new found passion, but it had been a long while since I formally learned a language. And I forgot exactly how to learn a language.

Language itself is a beautiful field of study. It is a sophisticated skill to master. I met people who study multiple languages, French, Italian and Chinese at the same time. Someone told me he was studying the ten most spoken languages in the world. It was his dream. I looked at them in awe and I wished I could do that. It is while studying Italian, I realized how weak my foundation for English is. Counting Italian, I speak four and a quarter of languages, thanks to my diverse Malaysian background. With this realization, English will be one of my future annual project, and an ongoing commitment to read and hopefully write. I never thought I would enjoy learning Italian so much, and I never thought I would be so driven to self study right after I finished my final assessment.

I am typing this while installing some Italian proofreading software on my Microsoft Office and wanting to write a paragraph for my peer tutor in Sicily. I found an amazing application for language exchange and for the purpose of my annual project. There is an upcoming idea for the annual project and I will see if I am going with it. The upload status said 100%, and it's time to continue my self study (despite having a huge daunting assignment releasing on Friday).



Grazie mille,
Wen Xin

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Fear

I have a couple of fears. One of them being, the fear of lizards. Back when I was just 8-9 years old, I was always one of the few students who reached school really early, at 6.40am. I was a diligent student, as trained by the education system. I put down my heavy school bag and laid out my homework on the table. This friend of mine, she was the prettiest girl with excellent skills in violin and piano. Her beautiful ponytail complemented her beautiful features. We were good friends. She brought out a red plastic bag, the infamous Malaysian plastic bag for takeaway. 

All of the sudden, something jumped on me. I held my hands up as reflex, and felt it on my skin. The whole day in school, I was haunted by an unease feeling that the green slimy thing was under my clothes. I could not wait to head home and take off the clothes. Not only it landed on me for a split second, since then, a huge phobia developed in me. I have a huge fear on lizards. It is harmless, but the thought of it scared me so much that each time, it felt like a millisecond of heart attack. I would froze and I could not bear a sight of it. I have a couple of experience which were frightening as well. Most of it were hilarious to my friends, which I do not mind at all. 

Just last week, I received a notice a day before to replace someone for work. For the first time, I drove in the capital city. Excitement grew in me as I drove along the significant Northbourne Avenue. I reached this beautiful suburb and waited for my companion of the day. She was the cutest 9yo I have ever seen. She was courteous and lovely, she brought out Shadow, the fluffiest cat. Well, I have always loved cats, and pet cats are always fluffy. Then she went on and introduced me her second pet. I blurted in shock, 'what, what do you mean you have two lizards? Are they little ones or huge ones?' 

She carried the largest one in her arms. I gasped in horror, it was estimated to be 40cm long and 5cm in diameter. She told me his name but I was too uncomfortable to absorb anything. I kept myself a comfortable distance of at least 3-4 metres. Got to say, the lizard had beautiful scales. It was of a breed called 'the Blue Tongued Lizard', I can't tell if it's blue tongued nor I would want to google it. The rest of the working session, I prayed that the little girl does not scare me with it again.

Oh well, putting this phobia aside, my 2016 annual project was going to be exploring the theme of fear. But something interesting came up in early 2016 and I proceeded with that instead. With the resources and ideas I have, I would like to come back to this theme for further exploration. I have been interviewing a couple of friends on 'what is your greatest fear?' And the responses had been dark and chilly. I am grateful for my friends or the acquaintances for their honesty and willingness to share me their answers. 

The greatest fear of a person often reveals the vulnerable side, the weaknesses, the painful past or a fearful future expectation. I have a couple of fears, but I am training the right mentality to hold. But recently, I discovered another fear of mine, relationship. I chuckled while I am writing that. I hope I am not screwing current relationships because of the past and my overcomplicated mind. Well, if it is, it is not meant to be. 



What is love?
Wen Xin 

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

My Dear Friend

It was not difficult to walk out from the relationship. In fact it was easy. There was not much to hold on, other than my stubbornness on a couple of things. God had given me the training to let go, and it did feel much better as compared to last week. I had accepted that it was an outcome I expected, just in a harsher way. I loved the honesty, but the truth hurt too much. 

But it was difficult to walk out from the friendship. Maybe plainly because the friendship was real. The feelings were sincere and the effort was evident. I opened up the side of mine, which is dark, insecure and innocent; something I do not think I did it before. I am blessed with a handful of girlfriends whom I can confide in with girly rants, juicy gossips, stupid thoughts and weird confessions. But I peeled off the side of mine which was secretive, a side that I didn't want to acknowledge.

A friend of mine said 'aren't you afraid to open up anymore?'. I said 'not really, in fact, I quite like it this way'. To be honest, I am grateful to have met you. I really am. I learned to open up to you and myself, to be honest with myself, to peel off the layers I tried to hide. I learn to be honest and deal with my disadvantages, my failures, and my insecurities. You were an example I looked up to, a shoulder I lied on, and a listener I counted on. 

I hate that I am writing this in past tense. I did not regret anything, not even for that day, but I would regret if I do not say this 'thank you'. I do wish you all the best. I hope you had a great time as much as I did. If there is anything I can wish for us if God allows me to be a little more greedy, I hope there is still a tad bit of friendship for the future if we ever crossed path again. 



Love,
Wen Xin